Christmas Tales: Danger, Diapers, and a Drum set
Late at night over the holiday vacation
Were three young boys who wanted a standing ovation
They created a movie while their mother was sound asleep
About Santa Claus, Christmas, and a mischievous, naughty thief
The oldest was dressed all jolly and fat
A red outfit, a beard, a sash and a hat
The middle acted out as a big bad robber
While the youngest was simply the videographer
Santa was abducted and pushed off the roof
But his fall wasn't Oscar worthy, only the biggest spoof
So casting was changed, along with costumes and roles
The oldest the bad guy and now the middle jumping to a mattress hole
His fall was epic, award winning, five stars
But he landed on his wrist instead of landing on mars
To the hospital they went with laughter and tears
For no Christmas before had two Santas in one year.
Every Christmas Eve of my entire life, I have attended Christmas Mass in the one room church of my dad's hometown in Iowa. My second Christmas Eve Mass, I felt particularly rowdy. Perhaps it was because I was not yet old enough to understand what the priest was saying, perhaps it was because I possessed a free spirit even at two years old, or perhaps it was because the giant Christmas tree beside the alter called to me with the true Christmas spirit. As the Priest began the Homily I slipped from my parents' watchful eyes and skillfully snuck my way to the giant Christmas tree. There, in front of the entire solemn congregation, I laid beneath the Christmas Tree and lifted my Christmas dress over my head to reveal my Christmas diaper to all of my new friends watching in the pews. To my dismay, my mother has since ensured that did not become a holiday tradition.
Christmas was like a huge deal in my family, any holiday, birthday, anything was fully celebrated. So, one Christmas I really wanted a drum set because… I played the drums? No. I did not play the drums. I was like Yeah I’m gonna take drum lessons mom and dad! (Lies.) Meanwhile, like, all my other Chirstmas presents were anything Barbie. I would go to Toys’ R Us and run down the Barbie aisle picking out the Barbies I wanted. In the mall back home, I would full on SPRINT once we rounded the corner before the Barbie store with the columns of floating Barbie shoes. Anyway, so one Christmas I just really wanted a drum set. Christmas morning, and every morning, I was up the earliest. I would tip toe down the stairs and see the trees glistening in the living room and my heart would jump seeing all the presents under the tree. That morning I saw the drum set I was estatic. I ran upstairs to wake up my sister. After opening all the presents, I sat down to have my first go at the drums. This was the best present ever… I was a rockstar. And I never played those drums again.